Love...thy name is Michael Dane

I was just thinking about my sweetie. You know, he is my best friend. We had the pleasure of being good friends for almost a year and a half before we started dating. We worked together and we would hang out and do illegal activities, paint and draw together, go to art shows, animation fesitivals, movies, stuff like that. He could always make me laugh. He was different from other guys I knew. His mind was pondering things other people weren't even aware of.

He, of course, had a son and a babymama but hot damn if he wasn't the most beautiful-looking man I had ever seen. When the sun shined on his face, I could see all the burgundy hairs in his goatee...and that his eyes were an amber color. He had this way of looking at me and smiling...and I felt like he had smiled into my being. I just liked being around him.

When things had lined up and we decided we wanted to be together, I tell you, it was the wierdest thing. I had gotten over a crush I had on him, decided he already had someone else and there was no way I would come between that, and I was satisfied that we were at least friends. Then, one night a few months after he had separated from his son's mother and I was at his house hanging out with some friends...he walked me out to my car to say goodbye. It was our custom to hug and kiss each other on the cheek. This night he leaned over and wanted to kiss me on the mouth. I freaked out, and leaned further back so he couldn't kiss me and I questioned his intent. All these months and years he had pushed me away and said I was just his friend...now I wanted to hear from his lips exactly what he was trying to do.

I will never forget his words...I was a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman...why was I searching for someone when that someone was him...I was his best friend...he wanted to marry me someday. As I stood there in the darkness, tears streaming down my face, in front of the many paintings and sculptures of the artist community where he lived at the time, I felt like my heart was going to explode.

I loved him so much!

And that was it...exactly ten years, five months, and seven days ago....we have never been apart since.

No man could ever compare. And he is still that beautiful man...only now he possesses a few white hairs of wisdom, he might be a bit thicker but those warm and crinkly eyes are still the same, smiling at me. I am blessed to have him as the father of all my wonderful children...my best friend...my comforter...my lover...the man God ordained to be my covering. There are times when we are in a large crowd, usually church...I will look over and study him as he talks...and he will turn and look for me and smile at me...and I will still feel it in my being.

I hate dogs

I can see you now...all you dog-lovers who think of your pet as your family member, getting all worked up and wanting to call the humane society on me. Don't trip...I don't really hate dogs....just one in particular works my last good nerve. I have a year old doxie/chihuahua mix named Chellie. As you can clearly see, she is adorable.

But oh yes, she is a devil in disguise. Perhaps it is my ignorance of dog personality or behavior, in fact I'm sure it is, but the majority of the things she does gets on my nerves. I really, really get a kick out of reading animal lovers blogs as well as myspace dog groups. These people go above and beyond dog ownership. They feel they have the same exact rights as humans. And hey, thats cool with me. Just the other day I read a blog of this woman who fostered a battered doxie...she had open sores throughout her body, she was severely malnourished, a tumor on her back, her hind legs were paralyzed, covered in her own fecal matter AND the original owners didn't even know what sex she was. They just wanted to get rid of her because she was starting to potty in the house. Ya think, being paralyzed and all she'd be able to drag herself outside when she felt nature calling. So the foster family decided Skittles was just too cheerful and friendly to put down so they asked for donations to do whatever it took to get this dog healthy again. I couldn't believe the long list of procedures, antibiotics, acupuncture, jacuzzi-swimming therapy, surgeries, massages, butt baths, high-calorie diets and vet visits this dog had. It was amazing. Her medical costs were nearly $4000!! Wow, just for one tiny little animal.

See, you really have to love animals to go to such great lengths. That foster mom would probably crap her pants if she knew that when Chellie refuses to eat her dry dog food (on those days I've run out of her canned, which I mix with the dry), I will leave that bowl outside for two days or more and will not offer her anything else. I figure, she'll eat when she gets hungry enough. I had two other dogs before her and well...lets just leave them out of this. Yeah, yeah, I make sure she has water, a cozy bed, a clean crate and toys and all that good stuff. But my world is bigger than my dog. She is an animal.

Maybe if I didn't have so many children I would have more time and energy and patience for all the silly little doggie things Chellie does, who knows. But right now I am ready to pull my hair out because she keeps escaping the yard. At first, it was very rare for her to get out. Now, she escapes pretty much every time she is put outside to potty. I don't feel dogs should live their lives inside a house, but dang it if she isn't greeting people at the front gate the minute she has an opportunity. Drives me nuts. To all you dog lovers who think it is adorable when their dogs chew up their socks and tear up all the toilet paper and snuggles on their bed when you're not home...help me out here. What can I do to go that extra mile with my dog and not want to strangle her when I have to go out searching for her dumb butt at 11 o'clock at night with my husband's sandals wearing only a wife-beater and some shorts.

Sometimes I just want to be without the responsibilty of a dog. But other times I am blessed to see my children enjoying their pet, chilling with her as they watch cartoons, swimming with her in their pool. I want them to have the memory of a family pet...not mama getting ready to serve that dog a beatdown. And I say that with a smile on my face, of course!

Angry People

When I encounter angry people in my daily life, I have to constantly remind myself that they have injured hearts...that they might not have had their needs met growing up...they might have had an angry mother or father that took out their frustration on them...or they might have been harmed by someone and this pain stayed with them. Either way, this pain manifests itself in some very ugly ways.

I am always shocked at how many angry people there are these days...in my realm of influence I know of marriages and relationships failing because of anger and resentment, lack of self-control and just plain meanness. Its hard to remind yourself that these are hurting people, because sometimes they make me angry, too. You see, I didn't grow up in a abusive household...my parents' marriage failed but they still treated one another with respect. I was never victimized by anyone either, and I am very grateful for that. So, at times, it is hard for me to understand why people can get murderously angry within seconds. What about those poor souls who go around looking for fights? And I know way too many women who appear reasonably sane but will eagerly beatdown another woman at the mall for looking at her sideways.

I have a person very dear to my heart that struggles with anger. It saddens me that he is unable to reason clearly, that he is capable of such ugliness...but I have so much love for him that it is easier for me to understand his struggle and forgive him. But what about that person you are forced to deal with...that you are of no relation to but still must be a part of your life? Or worse, in my life, this person is one that I am forced to co-parent with. What makes a person so oblivious to the pain they cause their own child? How can a person verbally attack their child's other parent, in front of the child no less, and tell that child they are unloved, unwanted, uncared for?

Now that makes me angry!

I have had to learn to deal with my stepson's mother for ten years now and it's just as challenging as that first day. There are times when I want to let her have it right between the eyes and pay her back for all the hurt she has caused my family. But what would that accomplish? Then I have to pause and think of what this person's life is like that is causing her to be the person she is. She continues to live in her dark existence, trying to accomplish things the only way she knows how. And unfortunately, that darkness spreads into our lives.

In the meantime, how do we cope with all these angry people walking around our planet? The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sin...that a gentle answer turns away wrath. Maybe we should try to view these angry people with God's eyes. I know that when I see my son throwing one of his wicked temper tantrums I literally hurt inside for him and I want to try to help him so he won't hurt himself...but he still struggles and throws things and holds his breath and fights me.

Is that how we must appear to God? Kicking and screaming and fighting Him...but He loves us still and He patiently waits.

Cabin Fever!!

My van is at the shop getting repaired. We haven't been able to drive it for a week now. Which means, I haven't left my house for that long. Ok, I went out yesterday to take the boys to the dentist...but other than that, I've been forced to stay home. I really miss having a car. Its horrible feeling like you can't just get up and go somewhere. I've been feeling really sleepy, down...is this what its like to be depressed?? It sucks! Geez. Its interesting that when you are feeling down you don't think to call anybody. Must be pride. You don't want anyone to know that your life isn't always great...that you just need someone to give you an encouraging word. You just expect everyone to call you up and see how you're doing! lol

On a lighter note, I saw Dave Chappelle's Block Party the other night. That dude is hilarious. Yeh, his humor is extremely racial...and he has a potty mouth...but he is hilarious nonetheless. Some of my favorite artists performed in that movie...I dig The Roots, Mos Def, Common, Michael loves Jill Scott, Erykah Badu was off the chain, I even tolerated Kanye West only because he performed Jesus Walks (heehee). But the highlight of the movie, to me, was the Fugees. I love the Fugees. "How many mics do we rip on the daily?? " Love, love love them! Especially Lauryn Hill. So it was cool to see them together and performing again. We had the surround sound on, bumping the music...I kinda felt like I was in Brooklyn for a minute!! When Dave said they needed some Mexicans I said, "We're right here!!" lollol I give the movie a thumbs up.

Its hot out there!

Yep, summer is upon us. I ain't gonna lie...I hate the heat! Everything becomes more difficult when its hot out. Just getting into the van and going to the market becomes a grouchy, sweaty mess. I am forced to do everything under the cover of darkness. My kids know better than to mess with mom when she is sweating. Meals consist of sandwiches and/or bbq. Over the last ten years, I have been pregnant several times during the summer. It isn't pretty, let me tell ya! I have memories of grostequely swollen feet and ankles, demands for caramel frappachinos, laying in a sweaty heap under the fan with my baby brother putting cold washcloths on my forehead (what can I say? I like to milk it!) I even had the audacity to go camping last year in 90 degree heat, eight months pregnant. I thought I was going to die, seriously! The only consolation was to lie there in the shallow water like a beached whale. When Xiomara was born, she decided to come in August, but at least she had the decency to be born at 2:33 in the morning. I would have been pissed if it was noon or something! I don't remember feeling the heat when I was a kid. I actually looked forward to the summer because it meant lots of swimming, bbq's, bike riding after dark, lots of family coming over. Now the only thing I can think of is, cooking over a hot stove and sweating, doing laundry out in my garage and sweating, watching the kids go wild in their little pool and sweating, getting everyone ready for church and sweating, letting my hair get nappy 'cause there is no way I am using my flat iron in this heat and sweating, getting out of church and piling into the stifling hot van and sweating ....you get the picture, right?

But for whatever reason, I still get excited for the summer. I guess all those years of public school set you up for the summer break mentality. Let me just think of the good things that happen during the summer, lest you think I am a negative, grouchy, complaining wench. Celebrating the 4th of July...and my mom's birthday on the 5th. Going to the beach and feeling the clean, cool salt air on your face. Ice cream, sun tea and homemade lemonade. Freeing my feet from shoes and finally getting to wear my flipflops again (going on 22 pairs and counting). Getting a nice tan and a few more freckles. Going to sleep right under the window so I can feel the cool breeze pass over me while I sleep. BBQ's. Celebrating my anniversary and remembering the day of my wedding when I was so young, optimistic, crazy in love, excited and blissfully happy. Remembering summers with my Dad in San Diego. Ahhh, I knew I could conjure up good thoughts about the summer...

777 Women

You chicks are off the chain. We had a meeting last night and what can I say, I was blessed! There is something so special, so beautiful, so holy about women of God taking time out of our busy lives to encourage and edify one another. To laugh as we share about our crazy lives. To cry as we bear one another's burden. To lay hands on our sisters and go before the throne room of God with our supplications. I come away feeling refreshed, encouraged in my walk with the Lord.

We had a good time last night. We had some new people, some healthy snacks, some not-so-tasty healthy snacks (heehee Steph!), and a rockin chocolate cake. We're just regular old chicks. Mothers. Students. Friends. Wives. Sisters. Artists. Musicians. Writers. Hairdressers. Young. Old. Fat. Skinny. Athletes. Strong marriages. Marriages on the verge of despair. Recovering addicts. Recovering sinners. Some new in christ. Some with roots firmly planted. Happy. Tired. Excited. Burdened. Overwhelmed. Joyful. Blessed. Its when we are all together that you get to see the divine nature of God. He instilled in us so many different qualities and experiences, yet with the same need...for Him. And its through our differences that we can reach out and help a sister up so she can stand tall.

Life sucks sometimes...

At least when you shop at Walmart, it does!

Things have been stressful around here lately. Starting up a new business is hard work, especially when you have seven kids that you have to feed, entertain, bathe, clothe, educate, set a good example for and keep from killing one another. Its enough to make a person pull out their hair. So my body has discovered a way to manifest its stress. I grind my teeth at night. Never knew that I did until the dentist noticed it. He asked me if I ever woke up with tension headaches and if my teeth were sensitive. Then the light went off in my head! You retard, you grind your teeth at night!!

So I bought one of those retainer thingies to wear to bed...veeeeeery sexy.

I couldn't wear it because it was so huge I couldn't close my lips over it and I had to breathe like Darth Vader AND it kept falling out of my mouth in the middle of the night. When I would find it and put it back in, it had sheet lint and eye boogers on it. Ew. Nah, not really any eye boogers but quite possibly Michael's taco meat hair on it. Good times. Needless to say, I stopped wearing it. I pay the consequences too, when I wake up to such an excruciating headache that I can't lift my head off the pillow. Ouch.

Oh, back to life sucking. We just went to ghetto fabulous walmart to get a few things that we needed and it was too late to go to Target. A crackhead with demon-red eyes asked me for some change to get some chips. I swipe the card and the transaction doesn't go thru...ok, I know there is money in there, maybe I did something wrong. Swipe again. Nope. CRAP. You mean I'm gonna stand here with five kids, a full cart of stuff, a card that won't go thru, no checkbook, only $20 cash (which is in the car), and a bunch of crackheads at almost 11 o'clock at night?? Oh and I forgot to tell you how the baby got a hold of one of the kids crafts from church while in her carseat so she got all full of marker juice or something, so when we walked into walmart she was smeared with purple and blue and red and looked like she was an abused child!! Geez!

Michael sends me out to the car to get the cash so we could at least get the diapers and as I head out there, something in my spirit told me not to walk all the way out to the car. It was dark and freaks come out at night. So I turned on my heel and went back in. I thought Michael was going to burst the vein in his forehead as he passed me to go outside. We get what we can with the $20 and head out...a woman standing by the carts looks at all the kids and counts them out loud and says, "Ooooooh, thats alot of kids!" To which I always get a kick out of because we didn't even have them all with us. I keep walking out the door because I was still butt-hurt about the atm not going thru. She asked Michael, "Oh, are they all brothers and sisters? They look alike!" Yeh, lady, they all have the same mama and daddy! *sigh*

Don't mind me....I'm just rambling.

bye-bye children

The beauty of having loving, involved grandparents, besides the obvious, is that you get free and extended babysitting! Yes, thats right, whenever my mom and stepdad go camping or spend the day at the beach or visit relatives, they enjoy taking one or two of my kids with them.

Yesssss!

Just today, Diego and Sol had their bags packed to spend the weekend up in the mountains. Of course, they love going with their grandma-mama because they get that undivided attention, they get to eat out all the time, they don't have any chores and Papa does *cool stuff* with them.

Where mama and daddy are sometimes absorbed with what they have to do at that moment...mama is cooking or cleaning or talking on the phone or wiping somebody's butt...daddy is painting, working on the computer, working out in the yard (ok, maybe thats a stretch)....grandma and papa are just there for them, watching them ride their bikes, eating ice cream with them, reading to them. They are loved. What a blessing. And the blessing for me is....two less monkeys jumping on the bed, my whiner is silenced, my travieso is out of trouble, and I can semi-retire my referee suit. AND its a three-day weekend!!

There is only one other person, besides their daddy, who loves my kids unconditionally and thats my mama. I can trust my mom wholeheartedly with my children. I know she watches out for them, and not just in the physical sense but the emotional and spiritual as well. She loves to pour Jesus into them. Whenever they have a need, grandma-mama is there to fill it...whether it be new shoes, a bike, school books, a comforter for their bed, juice, snacks, eyeglasses. I've seen my mama put aside her own leisure in order to bring her hyper/loud/always hungry/obnoxious grandsons to places they normally wouldn't be able to go.

And they love adore her for it...