Friday, October 26, 2007
Every woman needs a Spanx
Well, that's what seems to be the general consensus. So, I actually broke down and bought a Spanx. I heard so much about them over the years and we all know that Oprah Herself wears them so I thought I would try it.
Sure, as a fat girl I have plenty of other shapers. Understand, they are no longer called girdles or fat lady panties...they are shapers. Recognize. From what I understand, all ladies can benefit from a shaper. Even them skinny hoes. Who would pass up something that smooths, contains, sucks in and shapes all your lumps and bumps?
I got to thinking, if I have to wear a dress for this marriage retreat, I have to bring out the big guns. The material of the dress I am wearing is pretty thin and not very camouflaging. If I don't want to feel the fat from my ass jiggling behind me like a hot mess of flan...I had to go out and get me that Spanx.
So I hit up my neighborhood friendly Torrid, which is basically another Fat Girl Heaven but way more expensive. I had to decide if I should just get the regular Power Panty (which are basically glorified biker shorts)...or should I go the extra mile and buy the Higher Power High-Waisted Power Panty? I figure, the Higher Power panty will eliminate chub rub (big girls with big legs, ya'll know what I mean) and muffin top. Geeeeez, I might as well just wrap myself up in a rubber tire suit. Or a full body corset.
I already have a Hanes shaper that cost me all of $9.99 from Target. And that has served me well. Nevermind that when I pull it down to pee it looks like a rolled up pretzel. I was wondering how going to the bathroom was going to be possible with the Spanx. But then I discovered that the Spanx came with a large opening in the crotch for the ahem, Va-jayjay. Wasn't that ingenious? If I really concentrate my urethra, I could pee right past the opening and not get any spillage. Yeehaw.
So I ordered it. The full-on Higher Power panty. I got it last week. But it's been sitting in my closet since that first day. I am afraid to try it on! It looks really small and binding. It looks like there is absolutely no way it is going to fit me. I've been trying to get up the courage to put it on but...it's mocking me.
It's sitting there in my closet and mocking me.
Those three skinny hoes on the package are laughing at me. Girl, you think you are going to fit those thunder thighs into this little thing? You are trippin'! Hahahahaa! They have skinny girl voices that sound like Paris Hilton.
So I sit down. Take a deep breath. Turn on the TV and realize that a marathon of America's Next Top Model cycle somethingorother is on, and I am fortified in my soul that Tyra wears Spanx and she is fabulous. I put one stubby leg in, being mindful not to stick my foot out of the hole meant for me to pee out of (!)...and I get as far as slightly above the knee. It was soooo tight. I couldn't even manage to put the other thigh in. I was confident I would've made the Spanx burst.
I would be the first woman who caused a freakin Spanx to explode on contact!
And that was just one thigh in. I can't imagine what would have occurred had I gone through all the trouble of getting it up over my boo-tay. Because I have alot of boo-tay, you know. So I gave up trying it on. I did not want to be That Woman who walks into Torrid and plops down a shredded and tattered Spanx on the counter top and wants a refund because her fat ass ripped it in two. I can just see all the tatted up, pierced, big girls with weird hair that work at Torrid just snickering at me.
So, I am settling for the regular old Power Panty. In the next size up, thank you very much. I will still get the coverage, just not up to my throat and down to my knees. I already called Torrid and yes, they had it in stock and yes, they had it in black and yes, they had my size. Hallelujah. Now I can look semi-civilized, sit down, eat, schmooze, dance and pee.