Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Showers of the golden variety
Over at Our Box of Chocolates, they seem to be having an issue getting their son Ryan to pee where he is supposed to, i.e the toilet. He inevitably squirts all over the floor and walls like an unattended garden hose.
I feel you guys.
But see, it's hard to be sympathetic when you have one tiny little penis (Ricky, I'm excluding you and yours cuz I love you, homie) to worry about. Try four little penises with very short attention spans. Throw in being uncircumcised and its pretty hopeless. Nothing like an extra sheath of skin to really jack up your aim.
I find myself cleaning their bathroom more than once a day just so it won't smell like a nasty gas station restroom. But it can still get really sloppy because I try not to go in there throughout the day. I make it a point to never let my sweet ass touch their toilet seat. I just never do it. I will always, always use my own bathroom. I don't care if Michael was just in there and it's still steamin' and I have to breath through my mouth...I will always use my own bathroom.
Theirs is just disgusting. Not only because it gets a shower of urine everyday, but because it is one of the last projects in our house to get done. It's just plain ole funky. When we moved in, we tore down walls, built new ones, tore out carpet, refinished floors, painted, drywalled, tiled...you name it, we did it. But that bathroom, well...suffice it to say it is still wearing the pink tile from the 50's and some funky torn linoleum from the 80's. It even has a pink bathtub! Since we've lived here, we've just contributed to it's demise. I told Michael we need to build some sort of outhouse for the boys in the backyard with some urinals, a big sink and a bathtub. Something very functional yet rustic. They would be ecstatic. I am sad to say that when guests come to our home, they are forced to use the boys' bathroom. So I am obsessed with bleach, bleach wipes, sprays, candles, and more bleach--anything to disguise the funk of it all. If you ever come over, I will apologize in advance if you sit down in a puddle of pee. You‘ll get over it.
One day a few weeks ago, we were out in the backyard, watering plants and picking up trash. I kept noticing this heavy stench of urine right outside the backroom addition where the chil'rens hang out and watch TV. It was really bugging me, and I was blaspheming all the neighborhood cats, thinking they were peeing on my porch at night. I questioned the boys and all I got was blank stares, open mouths and mumbles. "Huh? Uh, I don't know why it smells." After a half an hour, I was starting to get belligerent, "WHY DOES IT SMELL SO BAD RIGHT IN THIS SPOT?! THIS IS DISGUSTING!"
Finally, Noah cautiously spilled the beans, "Mom. Um. Well. Sometimes when we are watching cartoons and we don't want to miss anything, we open the back door and pee right here."
O.M.G I was livid. I went off. I looked like a cartoon with steam coming out of my ears. I don't know why this flipped my switch but it really did.
"I can't believe it! You mean to tell me you stand here and take a piss? This is disgusting! What a lazy thing to do..."
"This is our house, we have to take care of it..."
"What are you guys? A bunch of animals?!"
"You guys are savages!"
"I cannot believe you would actually stand here and pee!"
"What a bunch of slobs..."
"You better start watering the grass so the smell goes away. NOW!!"
I promise I am not usually verbally abusive but I was really pissed off. And then when they didn't move fast enough for my satisfaction, I did something I'm not proud of. I do not curse at the chil'rens. But this...this time I couldn't stop myself. I like to think of it as righteous anger.
"Get your disgusting littles asses outside and clean this up right now!"
You know your mom is angry when she curses at you. Lucky for them, the pee smell went away. Not so lucky for me, I don't expect the pee smell to disappear from their bathroom until we move out and are long gone.