2.16.2009

'Roids

So I've been thinking. I haven't been blogging as much as I normally do and the fact of the matter is, I wish I had this internal recorder in my head. Cuz I swear, I do my best material while I am laying in bed and I should be sleeping. To drag my sweet cheeks out to the garage to blog (since my laptop needs some work done) in the freezing cold, it just ain't gonna happen. But this topic, well...it was just too good to pass up.

Yes, you read the title of this post right. 'Roids. As in, hemorrhoids.

Yup, I went there.

I like to call them "my little friends" because apparently, they are here to stay. So, say it just like Tony Montana and say hello to your little friends.

Wait. Is this TMI? Or is it toooo TMI? I mean, come on. I figure, we're blog homies, right? The dudes that read this blog can handle a post about hemorrhoids. If ya'll have stuck around after we've discussed havin' babies on the kitchen floor, fat girl undergarments, chub rub and National Geographic boobs... then I know you all can hang.

Did you know that human beings are the only species in the world afflicted by hemorrhoids? Yes, isn't that lovely? So, bears don't have 'em. Sharks don't have 'em. Turtles don't have 'em. Zebras that run around the bush don't have 'em. Even dogs that belong to Mexican families that get to eat leftover beans, wienies con huevo and potatoes don't have 'em.

Ain't this about a *bleep*.


How do you get them, you may be wondering. You either have a very poor S.A.D (standard American diet) or...all you mothers know what I'm talking about....you have been pregnant and have given birth. I belong in the latter category, six times over. So ya'll know the prognosis just can't be good for little old me.

You see, when you are pregnant, your body almost doubles it's blood capacity. This causes all of your veins to bulge and expand. So what do you think happens to the veins in your butt? Yep. It is fertile ground for the butthole demons to strike.

I have a dear friend who shall remain nameless that shares in this butt struggle with me. She says when she poos...its like passing shards of glass.

Um. Ouch.

I'm sure this isn't everyone's predicament. I can't say mine is all that dramatic. But in order to control my "pregnancy battle scars", I have to be diligent to drink lots of water, eat lots of fruit and veggies and lay off the meat. You can best believe I am aware when I have eaten too much animal. Cuz I am breaking a sweat, gripping the seat and crying, "Oh dear God, what have I done?"

And then I understand the true meaning of butt hurt.

I've investigated natural salves and creams. But let's be honest. Who wants a creamy butt? Who enjoys their butt cheeks sliding around all day when they walk? That's just annoying. Hands down, the best remedy has to refrigerated witch hazel. You soak some cotton pads in it, stuff it in your crack and you are good to go. If you are a big girl with a big booty, there is no risk of the pads falling out and causing an embarrassing scene. They are pretty snug, lemme tell ya. But the cold pads, oh chiiiiild. I can almost imagine me in some sort of cartoon, with my butt on fire, sitting in a tub of water with the smoke billowing around me.

Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Witch hazel is a natural astringent, which means it will shrink the 'roids. Every time I had a baby, my best friends were the cold witch hazel pads and that numbing coochie spray. That spray was good times.

Please disregard the fact that I said coochie from the record. Thanks you
.

Motherhood is funny sometimes. You are just so excited to have this precious little being in your life so you can inhale that delicious baby smell and nibble on those cute little toes and sigh because they are so adorable like their daddy that you don't realize in exchange you are causing irreparable damage to your body.

Case in point: to your areolas, which will increase in size about 30% and never turn back to their cute, former selves; to your stomach which will expand and contract so many times it's just plain confused and now hangs limp like a bum in an alley; and your booty, which has been traumatized so much that it gets happy when you stuff it with some cold cotton pads.

O, where was a wise woman to tell me these things before I decided to have all these chil'rens? That's what I want to know. Until then...don't ask me any questions if you see a bottle of witch hazel up in my fridge!

27 comments:

  1. Hello I really like your blog, I would like a link exchange with you, I insert your blog to my favorite blogs ;)

    the address of my blog is: http://marcocrupifoto.blogspot.com/

    My blog deal of the art of photography.

    ( photo technique, post production, photo retouching, Reportage, how-to and articles )

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  2. Sorry, I have to bring up coochie...are you talking about the spray after using Coochie Cream? I love that product!

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  3. LOVE Your Honesty! I have been there and still am there sometimes! Love the "spray" and the pads, oh yeah!!!

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  4. Chilean Woman--no girl! I'm talking about the spray they give you at the hospital after you've given birth. It's supposed to numb you down there. It is like a freakin' lifesaver. I have a bottle of coochie shaving cream that someone gave me--is that the one you are talking about? I haven't tried it, so I can't vouch for the product.

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  6. I think I might have died of laughter! You meant the squirt bottle thing! Coochie shaving cream is the bomb, but really expensive and due to the credit crunch I am now just using my Pantene hair conditioner, same thing. Now you all know about my ghetto coochie!

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  7. Hey Dee! I'll jack you an extra bottle of spray in 'bout 4 weeks!!!!

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  8. oh yes, you brought back good memories with all that numbing spray talk!

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  9. Girl!

    I just leapfrogged from your blog from Punk Rock Mom's recently and I rather enjoy both of you so DAMN much!

    This blog is hilarious and OH SO TRUE! I was reading, laughing in my cube at work, and thinking, yep... oh, yeah, witch hazel's the bomb, and OH SNAP! the coochie spray! That spray saved my life. i came across it under the sink one day and remember not being able to pee without the spray and that warm water squirt bottle. i'd try to aim right at my spicy bits to flush away the seemingly radioactive pee from my mommy wound! If anyone would have walked in and saw me squatting half-off half-on the toilet - man, i would have just died.

    Aaaanyway, thanks for giving the roid-sufferers a voice - now i know i'm not alone! Continue rockin' the blog!

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  10. Marco Crupi--sorry about the 'roids, dude.

    Chilean ghetto coochie--someone gave me a gift set of that coochie stuff but like I said, I haven't used it. So it's expensive, huh? I'll be mindful of that and only use it for *special occasions*. LOL

    Fo--Yes, sis. I'll just jack myself a few bottles when I'm with you at the hospital. That and some chux pads.

    Ferfachu--Please tell me what your name means. Thanks for visiting! And oh, I love the term "mommy wound". I'ma use that one!

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  11. "Oh dear God, what have I done?!?" You almost had me peeing in my pants -- bladder control ain't what it used to be either!!

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  12. Anyone who's ever had a kid is able to relate to this.. and I was definitely relating.. That spray was my friend... And those medicated pads.. heaven.. :) Loved this post.

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  13. I had 'roids once after being hospitalized years ago and I thought I was going to die. Then the nurse told me if I had kids I had them to look forward to and I seriously reconsidered having kids...not that I have any yet but damn if that wasn't birth control. I *wish* someone would've told me about the coochie spray.

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  14. i think i love you. i stumbled on your blog and you are HIGHlarious.

    i am a homebirthing mom of two (so far...)and i have never heard of coochie srapy (whaat?!) but i did get frozen condoms to put in my undies. ever heard of that!?

    your new faithful follower,
    blythe

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  15. Butt (laughing hysterically) Demons!!!

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  16. Nuh uh! Can't believe you went there girl... I can't commit to the poopy story... you're the only one that was pro-poopy story by the way ;-)

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  17. Um. Your posts are excellent birth control.

    And OUCH!

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  18. Girrrl... I love you even more! Ohhh that lil spray... hahaha!!

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  19. 3boys--Sissy!! ahahahahahaa

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  20. You're hilarious! I can't believe you talked 'roids.

    I had them for four months after I gave birth to my son. For FOUR months I cried every time I crapped. EVERY time.

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  21. Oh my goodness girl, you crack me up! But hey thanks for telling it like it is. :)

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  22. Your freakin hilarious!

    Will you marry me?

    hahaha Jk jk

    Spray...medicated pads..cant wait to have another little one

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  23. Kim, I don't get down like that!! LOL

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  24. Ha ha!

    Ferfachu =
    my toddler neice could not say my true name (jennifer) so she began to call me FerFer. Then my friends heard it, and mercilessly began calling me all variations of FerFer - its been Ferfy, Ferfanugen, just Ferf, Ferftastic, and when Pokemon came out, it migrated to Ferfachu, Ferfasaur, Ferfimon, but Ferfachu seems to have stuck.

    Quite the tale, dontcha think! Thanks for asking :)

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  25. hahahahahahahahahahahhahah!!!!!!!! I cannot stop laughing and I think I just peed my pants. I can so relate to that post. Thanks for sharing and makin' my day. Love your blog - tell it like it is. And I hated Scarlett in that move too! She was such a beeeootch!

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  26. Um yeah. I wish someone had told me all of these things when I was 16. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten myself knocked up.

    I didn't even know what those bottles in my bathroom were for and my nurse was pretty much useless. And that areola thing I think is classified info. A lot of people don't seem to know about that. Thanks for informing the public!

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  27. Ferfachu...my sister is named Jennifer and when she was little, our cousin couldn't say her name either. So he started calling her Fofo. How funny!

    She is going to be 30 and that name has stuck. Only we've shortened it to Fo. My kids call her Tia Fo (Aunt Fo). Too funny.

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Break me off something.

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