Diagnosis: Esopha-colon

I was kickin' it at Will's house, enjoying a calm Sunday evening. They were bbqing some steaks and all of my carnivorous senses were in full effect. You see, I don't eat meat all of the time. Well, I do eat meat, in the form of chicken breast and ground turkey--if you can even call that meat. Ok, toss in the occasional tri-tip. But not true meat, sizzling and juicy and hot off the bbq grill. That is reserved for special occasions.

So a handful of us were hovering over the grill, like a bunch of ravenous cavemen. We didn't even bother with plates or utensils. We were just grubbin' the steak which was covered in Worchestire sauce, seasoning salt and chili flakes.

Big, hot chili flakes.

And that is where I should have taken heed.

My stomach felt a bit gurgly after that, but I ignored it and moved on to the Funfetti cake...which, around these parts, is known as Crackfetti because I don't know what's in the stuff, but it's crack pipe worthy! Delicious. Then later that night, I threw back a few antacid pills and went off to bed.

Then I was woken up at 3:30 am to a frightening choking feeling. Steamin' hot bile was rising up my throat and I couldn't get any air, giving me the sensation that I was about to die. I ran to the bathroom and projective vomited onto the (white) carpet and side of the toilet. It was horrible.

I hate to throw up.

I hate to feel the spasms. I hate the taste of the vomit. I hate that I pee a little as I am vomiting. The whole act is just disgusting. But this was even worse because all that tasty meat was coming back up, but worse still...all the red chile flakes. My throat and my stomach were on fire. I had to pull out my entire repertoire of breathing techniques (hee hee heeew hee hee heeeew) to keep myself calm, to will myself from vomiting more.

You idiot, you should've known better than to eat all that meat!

I just wanted to roll over and die. So I cleaned up my mess, changed my clothes, reported my illness to my husband for sympathy, chugged more antacid, and then rolled back into bed. I still get a little shiver thinking about it.

The next morning I texted all my meat-eating partners in crime, to see if they too, got sick in the middle of the night.

Nope, I feel grrrrrrrreat!
No, I'm fine.
I'm good.
No, maybe you have the flu.
Do you have gallbladder issues? Maybe you need to be seen by a doctor.

This last comment was from Richie, who is a nurse. A crazy people nurse, but a nurse nonetheless. I texted him back and told him that I got my gallbladder removed about ten years ago. Then he responded with, "Maybe that's why you got sick. Your body can't digest the fat in the meat."

And then ten years of heartburn, stomach cramps and the squirts came flashing before my eyes. The reason why I earned the nickname "Esopha-colon" from my little brother. He says my food goes from my esophagus and then immediately to my colon because the turnaround is so...quick. Well, duh. Maybe that's why I have the issues I have. No one told me I actually needed that stupid gallbladder!

All I know is, after I had my second child, I would have these excruciating pains in my stomach-- pain even worse than childbirth! When the doctor told me my gallbladder was infected, I said take it, take it out now, I don't care how you have to do it, just remove it so I don't have any of those pains ever again!

And now it's gone and all I have left are three buckshot scars on my stomach (Michael likes to say its where I got shot in a drive-by) and bellybutton. Had I known what I know now, I definitely would have searched for a natural way to remedy the situation.

Cuz I don't care what people say--a kidney, a spleen, a gallbladder--if God didn't want you to have it, He wouldn't have given it to you in the first place! So it turns out I needed that dumb gallbladder after all. After doing some research online, I am floored. Floored that so many people suffer from the same side effects and floored that I was so willing to get my gallbladder removed, that I didn't count the costs although I realize that pain was a huge motivating factor. I didn't do any research, I just blindly trusted my doctor when he said I would be fine without my gallbladder.

Some of my research turned up acid reflux, diarrhea, bloating and unexplained weight gain. Geez. And it only took me ten years to figure this out. So tomorrow I am off to buy some homeopathic meds and some enzymes to see if it will help.

I don't wanna be called Esopha-colon anymore!


  1. I gad a bad gallbladder attack this past November whilst at work. The docs said that the pain will gradually get worse without the surgery due to my gall stones...uh, no thanks, I got that sucker removed.

  2. My mom thinks the same way, why would I have a gallbladder if I didn't need it. All of her pains and troubles are contributed to her lack of gallbladder but none of that should apply to me because I'm young and gallbladderless.

  3. Marcy9:43 AM

    A couple of weeks ago I had the worst gallbladder attack. I haven't gone through the pleasure that is childbirth yet, but I cannot imagine a pain worse than gallstones. I'm ghetto and don't have health care insurance, so I did the next best thing. I called my curandera mother. And within a couple of days, I was as good as new. The process was gross and painful but at that point I was willing to try anything.
    You go on a fast of at least 12 hours. Don't even drink water. After the 12 hours, gulp down some Milk of Magnesia along with a shot of extra virgin olive oil and a shot of fresh lemon juice. Keep drinking the olive oil and lemon juice every 20 minutes for 3 hours. You'll pass the gallstones within 12 hours. It's not fun, but it sure beats surgery.
    I realize this advice is useless since you've already had your gallbladder taken out, but maybe one of your readers will find it useful!
    BTW, I'm Marcy. I've been following your blog for about a year now but have never commented. I forgot how I found you. It was probably a google search. I <3 your blog though. You're so funny and you keep it real.

  4. Unfortunately it's our crappy American diet that tends to ruin our gall bladders. You can live without your gall bladder (although is this one of those less than neccesary over-performed surgeries?) but you have to be careful about foods. Low fat, high fiber and small frequent meals. My husband has a lot of acid reflux and he heard that papaya and pineapple enzymes help, but I don't know if it will help with the bile.... Good Luck!

  5. Anonymous4:31 PM

    omg! are you telling my story??!! lost my gallbladder 7 years ago after the birth of my daughter in an awful & similar episode. I so relate to esopho-colon. therels nothing more awful than having to sprint to a public bathroom immediately following a dinner with friends!! so gross.....

  6. Cindi Mathys3:59 PM

    How funny you should mention this right now...I had a bad gallbladder attack last week and everyone seems to think I should rush to the doctor and get it yanked out. I'm trying to experiment with what I eat and take more of a wait and see attitude. So, thanks for the post and the comments.


Break me off something.

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