I have just exited the depths of parental torture and hell.
Sex. They made me talk about sex.
Dinner started out innocently enough. Tuesdays we have school at the co-op, so we always have pizza for dinner because it's easy and cheap. But some how, some way...the conversation during the evening meal spun out of control.
And I found myself in the center of The Sex Talk.
Noah asked me a random question about prison and juvenile hall. Why was it scary? Can people hurt you in there? So I began to list the dangers of being incarcerated: drugs, gangs, murders, rape.
Huh? All I got was blank looks on their faces. Shoot! Now I have to explain this to them.
Me: Do you know what rape means?
Them: Um, I think so.
Me:Its when someone forces you to have sex.
Them: You mean, they force you to kiss them and stuff?
Me: No, that is not what sex means...
Then I had to go into logisticals...woodies...vaginas...entries...exits...procreation...fornication...etc. etc.
Needless to say, it wasn't pleasant. They howled with embarrassment and they giggled like a bunch of hyenas. Each time I explained something, it was like the elevator door opening up to some new type of horror.
You should have seen the looks on their faces. I could just see things clicking in their minds as they realized why you have sex, who has sex, what happens when you have sex, and so on and so forth.
Them: Mom!! So YOU HAVE SEX TOO???
Me: Sigh. Yes.
Them: With daddy?
Them: How many times?
Me: Six times.
Them: But sometimes we hear you. The bed makes noise. You do, too.
Me: Oh. Just kill me now. Just kill me and put me out of my misery.
In an effort to get the heat off me, I started naming names.
Me: Grandma-mama has sex. Your tia Fo has sex. Your tio Eric has sex...
I just started droppin' dimes left and right.
Them: WITH PAPA?!?!?!?!? WITH TIO JUSTIN!?!?!?!?! WITH TIA CASSIE!?!?!?!?!
Them: What about Uncle Fernie?
Me: Yeh, him too.
Them: So basically all our ancestors of humanity have had sex? [this was Noah's question]
Then it was like a domino effect.
Them: Every time you have sex, you have a baby? Because Uncle Fernie doesn't have babies.
Me: No, you don't have babies every time.
Them: Oh, then why do you do it? You have sex because you like it?
Me: Ahem. Yes.
Them: So does that mean you like to have sex, mom?
Me: Please stop asking me these questions.
Them: Wait, so Grandma-mama had sex with Papa? And Tata Ray? OH MY GOSH!!
Me: Yes, because she was married twice.
Them: What about daddy? Did he have sex with Mikey's mom? They were never married! You said you should be married before you have sex!
Me: Yes, I'm aware of that.
Loud gasps around the room.
So I tried to tie up the conversation at that. I refused to answer their questions about the *stuff that comes out* that makes a woman have a baby, since they deduced that a woman doesn't get pregnant each time she has sex. I refuse to discuss sperm 'n semen with my children.
I have to draw the line somewhere.
I had to let my mind go to my happy place when they started talking about how when they are in the shower and their penis gets hard, they try to push it back down--and it just won't go down--and how it kinda tickled.
Oh dear Lord. So then I left.
A few minutes later, Noah bursts into my room.
Noah: Mom, how long does it take?
Me: Playing ignorant. What?
Noah: Come on! The sex!
Me: Uhhhhhhhh. It depends.
Noah: You mean to tell me you have to leave your penis in the vagina for a really long time? Like an hour or something? Does Daddy leave his penis in your vagina for a really long time? I was hoping for about three seconds or something like that.
Me: Uhhhhhh. At this point I was at a loss for words.
Noah: Well...then I think I'd rather adopt because I don't wanna have to stick my thing in anyone's vagina for longer than a few seconds.
Oh em gee. I just wanted to die laughing. Die.Laughing.