Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Nothing is sacred.
So you know that nothing is sacred around here, right?
I was sitting in front of the laptop, finally getting a chance to sit down and catch my breath.
The chil'ren were watching cartoons in my bedroom.
All was good.
Then Solomon comes up to me, something small and white in his hands. I saw it in my peripherals, cuz a sister always has to check her peripherals. Then I heard it.
Sol: Mom...what's this?
I was frozen like a statue for about 3.5 seconds. Oh em gee....please tell me he doesn't have what I think he has in his hands. About two Christmases ago, Michael worked at a shop that did some print jobs for this lingerie store in town. As a thank you, they gave the office a basket of adult "toys". I'm not talking about the big, scary kind (with veins), but a small, discreet item. So the owner passed them out to the employees.
Michael was the only employee.
Me: What the heck am I supposed to do with all of these things?
Michael: I don't know! Give them away.
So I did.
But I...uhhhhhh....sort of saved one for myself.
And I tossed it in my nightstand, where toys such as these belong.
But you should know that the chil'rens possess investigative skills that rival the C.I.A. If I hide it, they will find it. Not that I was necessarily hiding this. I was fairly confident if anyone found it, they would have no idea what it was used for.
I looked over my shoulder casually, really hoping this would end quickly. Dangit, I knew I should have put it up in the closet. These kids are gonna be the death of me. And of course, it had to be Solomon, the most curious, the most relentless, the one who never forgets anything, the one with the photographic memory.
With all the nonchalance I could muster, I answered him.
Me: Oh. Its ummm, a foot massager.
Sol, looking very intently at its phallic shape: How is this a foot massager?
Me, snatching it out of his hands: It vibrates, then you can...rub your feet with it.
Sol: Well, it vibrates but it keeps shutting on and off.
Me: I know. Daddy switched out the new batteries and put them in the remote. boo hiss
Sol, still persistent: But still, I don't understand how it works.
Me, starting to feel exasperated: Son! It vibrates and you rub your feet with it! Ok?
Sol, giving me the stink eye: Hmmmm. Ok then.
Think he fell for it?
I don't know.
What I do know is, there will come a time when Sol will pay for his snooping. He will stumble across a toy much like the one he discovered in my nightstand. Hopefully it's in twenty years or so, after he is old and crusty and married. And that photographic memory will kick in, and the memories will flood, and he'll know exactly what that thing was that he found in mama's nightstand all those long year ago.
He'll know. Oh, he'll know.